We’ve probably all heard the quote, “To love others, you must love yourself first”. Or this very similar saying, “Love yourself first, because it’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.” But what does loving yourself really entail? How, in fact, do we first love ourselves? Self-love is such a hard concept to grasp, but today, I am going to give you 5 ways to practice self-love and prioritize yourself. So, let’s break it all down!
As a child, self-love may have come more naturally to us because we were the ones being nurtured and cared for by our parents or loved ones. We did not have the adult responsibilities and life’s challenges we now face. How to love ourselves was not a topic taught in school, and most of us probably didn’t learn about self-love at home. At home, we learned to put others’ needs first before our own, and saw this modeled by those that cared for us – whether that was our parents, grandparents, teachers, maybe even a coach. We learned about the importance of hard work and being successful, however, we probably didn’t understand how to also keep ourselves fulfilled and happy during that same journey.
As we grew up and turned into adults, that nurturing we received slowly faded, and we became the nurturers ourselves. We were essentially raised to put others first, and that may be why our sense of self-love causes feelings of guilt. Currently, for me, my guilt appears as “Mom Guilt”. I have found myself in teary, puddled messes feeling an enormous sense of “Mom Guilt” as I leave my child with a trusted babysitter for 1 night to be able to go on a date with my husband, or to spend time with my friends. We know we need to love ourselves, yet we have difficulty giving ourselves the permission to experience that and to maintain a regular self-love practice. Loving ourselves is a confusing topic and it essentially goes against everything we were raised to believe.
Self-love is the fuel for our lifelong journey of figuring out who we are, what we are passionate about, and being able to give and share love with others. When our foundation of loving ourselves is weak, our lives can often feel unstable and shaky. Maybe looking at the future, moving forward or finding a sense of purpose may feel like having no sense of direction at all. However, if we are able to experience the true power of loving ourselves with a strong practice of self-love, life can instead feel solid, strong, stable and quite magical.
When we embark on the journey of loving ourselves, we can often experience powerful shifts in our lives. Aspects of our lives begin to propel forward, things begin to fall into place like a puzzle piece, our relationships flourish, our mood and emotions improve, our health and mental health strengthens, and our overall quality of life becomes better. Isn’t that what we all want?
So, how do we begin our journey of prioritizing and loving to start creating a deeper, internal relationship with ourselves? Yep, you guessed it! The work begins with YOU!
Here are my 5 ways to practice self-love and prioritize yourself. Let’s begin!
To practice self-love, you must first learn to recognize your personal needs and what aspects of life “fill up your cup” – or, what things bring you happiness, joy, peace and purpose. If your “cup” is constantly empty, you are dismissing yourself which can create feelings of resentment, anger and even self-sabotage. Self-love requires you to identify your needs and make them a priority.
If you are not sure what your needs are, or what aspects of life make you feel states of happiness, joy, peace, and purpose, here is a short three-step activity that can help you get to know yourself. All you need is a way to jot down some notes for yourself:
Keep these activities individualized and unique to you. Meaning, these activities don’t rely on or involve a second party or person. You should be able to partake in these joyful activities by yourself. Examples of activities that may bring you joy are: Journaling, meditating, reading, listening to music or a podcast, going for a walk or run, taking a relaxing bath, or painting.
Do these 3 activities motivate you, give you time alone to unwind, allow your mind to be completely empty and worry-free? Identifying the feelings behind these specific activities will allow you to not only understand yourself better, but realize the things you need in order to feel taken care of, rejuvenated, and ready to face life head-on. By making time in your day or week for these activities, your body will spark back into existence and you will feel a sense of purpose and self-love.
Establishing a new routine doesn’t have to be stressful. The most successful way to establish a new routine is to start small and tackle small goals! If incorporating 1 activity at a time until you get the hang of fitting that into your life, then do that. Maybe this looks like starting to carve in time to paint on Saturday mornings, or going for a walk after dinner once or twice a week, or reading a book every Monday night to wind down before bedtime. Identifying and incorporating into your life what brings you happiness, joy and peace will finally allow you to practice self-love and in return you’ll become a better you, the person you strive to be. You’ll begin to celebrate the beauty of being truly and authentically you.
As your self-love grows and you truly begin to know yourself, you’ll also be able to identify what isn’t good for you or what sets you in a bad mood. The more you prioritize your happiness and joy, the less you will be wanting to tolerate negative aspects in your life. Eventually, you’ll learn to distance yourself from toxic, unhealthy things as they will no longer contribute to your self-love journey and instead pull you away from your goals. Aspects or things that may bring negativity and toxic mental health into your life could be:
Sometimes, I have a fear that if I practice self-love it will come across as selfish in others’ eyes. When really, that is just me using negative self-talk. Isn’t it “funny” how we are the first to beat ourselves up with all that negative self-talk? Yes, we can love ourselves the most, but we can also do the complete opposite and absolutely self-sabotage. As you grow and get to know yourself on a deeper level, self-love will make that negative self-talk disappear and the love your have for yourself will shine brighter than before. It will soon become easier to accept all the good in life.
Life kind of works like that speech we hear every time we get on an airplane: “Secure your own mask before assisting others with their mask”. It kind of seems selfish, right? It is actually the complete opposite. Let me ask you this. How can we help others if we can’t breathe ourselves? In that same notion, you cannot love others if you cannot first find that love within yourself. You may feel like you have love to give, but really you are giving from an empty, emotionless place. This further depletes your “cup”, causing you more and more exhaustion from constantly giving to someone or something without first giving to yourself. However, if you secure your mask first, you’ll be able to breathe and think clearer and give from a “full cup”. And this is the type of giving and love that feels authentic, compassionate, and just plain good.
It’s time to start with you and make yourself a top priority. Your happiness lies within you and you’re not going to find it elsewhere. Yes, you may find temporary happy moments, but these are usually expensive, tangible and short lived. Money can’t buy you happiness so stop spending it with hopes it can fill an empty space in your life. Begin your journey of loving yourself to get your groove back and to find the true you. Self-love is not selfish, it is a magical, divine state that will greatly benefit your life and others. Stop the guilt trip and begin to embrace this new journey you’re on because it begins with you.
It’s really simple. The more love you give to yourself, the better you will feel, the happier you will become, and you will have more love to spread and share with others. Loving relationships begin with you!
To continue on your journey of loving yourself, check out these 5 books and journals. These tools have helped me to continue my self-love journey after becoming a mother. I know they will help you to flourish on your journey, too!
Your Friend & Pilates Expert,
Kayla Brugger
Founder of PILATESBODY by Kayla
Founder of PILATESBODY On-Demand
Hi, I'm Kayla Brugger. Certified Pilates Instructor & Minnesota Mama of 2.
